The Chronicles Of Vincent Missiles
by Queens of the mole people
Summary: Follows the everyday life of Vincent Valentine in a series of oneshots strung together. Very PWP and OOC in some cases. Pleaase R and R
1. The introduction of Missiles

**The Chronicles of Vincent Missiles**

This is the story of what really occurred in the game Final Fantasy VII Dirge Of Cerberus that they didn't show us. Featuring Vincent Valentine as our main hero.

**Beware of Yuffie bashing **

Disclaimer: Square Enix owns Vincent and all FFVII characters. And sadly I don't.

This may be a little stupid cause its kind of an inside joke with my stepsister but bear with me. It gets funny. **And it's my first story ever so be nice plzzzz**

* * *

**The Introduction Of Missiles (Mee-sigh-less)**

One day Vincent Valentine was on a mission with the ninja girl Yuffie Kisaragi. They were in a battlefield and had to take down 4 helicopters.

**BANG** comes a shot from Vincent's sniper gun.

Yuffie throws her Ninja star and it intersects with Vincent's bullet.

"Damn it Yuffie!" Curses Vincent.

"SORRY!" Screams Yuffie so she could be heard over the noises of the copters.

"VINCENT, LOOK OUT FOR THOSE MISSILES." Screams Yuffie

Vincent dodge rolls out of the way and quickly destroys the remaining helicopters and lands swiftly doing a couple of slick spins in the air.

"NICE ONE VINCENT" yells Yuffie as she skips over to him to congratulate him on a battle well done.

"Man those were some huge missiles don't you think Vincent?"

Vincent's eye twitches.

"Yuffie…You said it wrong. It's missiles (mee-sigh-less) not missiles (miss-ells)"

"No Vincent…it's missiles. How can you mix that up with "meesighless"? It's not even one of those words that have separate pronunciations like crevasse or tomato."

Vincent twitches again and reaches for his gun but quickly regains control of him-self. For you see it is Vincent's greatest pet peeve when people say missiles instead of "meesighless".

"IT"S MEESIGHLESS YUFFIE!" Screams an enraged Vincent. "And it's crevaché not crevasse."

"Creavaché?"

"YHA crevaché you know like my favorite designer Versace." Vincent rolls his eyes. "Oh that reminds me I should go shopping later… "

"So let me get this straight…. meesighless are missiles…. crevaché is crevasse and what about tomato then?" Yuffie raises one eyebrow as to say, your crazier than I thought.

"Tomahtoé (tom-ah-tow-ee)". States Vincent as if Yuffie was the crazy one.

Yuffie smacks her forehead with her hand. "Okay Vincent Valentine what has come over you! Are you sick or are you just having an off day."

"IM FINE YUFFIE! Gosh! Did you ever think you could be wrong for once!"

"UGHHH you're so frustrating. I know I can be wrong but I'm not this time so would you just listen to me!?"

Vincent stuck his tongue out at Yuffie

"Oh so that's how you want to play huh Mr. Valentine?" Yuffie raises an eyebrow.

"Yha it is!" Vincent says smugly. "In fact. I'm so sure that your wrong and that it is pronounced meesighless that I, Vincent Valentine hear by change my last name to "MEESIGHLESS"!!"

"Oh boy…"Yuffie rolls her eyes.

"THAT'S RIGHT! HEY WORLD MY LAST NAME IS NOW MISSILES!"

"Your hopeless Vincent…"Says a defeated Yuffie.

"No your hopeless! Hopeless to be forgotten in a large Crevaché while constantly being fired at by meesighless! And your only food source will me Tomahtoés!!!!"

"Oh and I suppose that some famous fashion designer is gonna come and kill me too". Yuffie raises an eyebrow yet again.

Vincent Gasps. Versace is not SOME random fashion line!!!! It is THE BEST ever! How dare you insult my fashion!

Whatever Mr. missiles….

"MEESIGHLESS"!!! Screams Vincent as he pulls his gun and begins chasing Yuffie down into a large crevaché.


	2. Vincents hatrid

**The Chronicles of Vincent Missiles**

This is the story of what really occurred in the game Final Fantasy VII Dirge Of Cerberus that they didn't show us. Featuring Vincent Valentine as our main hero.

**Beware of Yuffie bashing**

Disclaimer: Square Enix owns Vincent and all FFVII characters. And sadly I don't.

* * *

**The story begins with our great hero Vincent on Cid's air ship. **

Vincent slowly approaches Cid.

"Hey Vincent! How's it going?" Asks Cid.

"Not bad" he answers

"Good to hear man so what are you up to now?"

"I was just gonna go shopping…"

"Shopping?"

"Yeah at the vending machine; I **LOVE** shopping" . Says an enthusiastic Vincent. (And you all know how often Vincent is enthusiastic)\

"So what are you gonna do now Cid?"

"I don't know….but for one thing I'm _NOT _going to go shave because I like looking like a homeless person."

"Well that's…. interesting Cid, I'm gonna go shopping now"

"Okay then… Oh Vincent if you run into Yuffie tell her I need to speak to her."

"Fine"…Ewww Yuffie he thinks as he walks away and he shudders.

Vincent walks down from the stairs wondering why anyone would ever talk to Yuffie, let alone let her on the airship.

Suddenly Vincent gets down on his knees and does a little dance in a crouch mode all the way to the vending machine. He buys everything he can afford and some cool new upgrades for his guns.

He does a little crouch dance all around the main hull of the Shera while humming "Hey Baby" by No Doubt. He stops next to a lady working at a computer. He stairs at her for a few seconds with a blank look on his face until she notices him.

"Can I help you Mr. Valentine?" She asks

Vincent just keeps staring at her.

"Mr. Valentine?" She says with a confused look on her face.

"That's not my last name". Vincent states as if everyone in the world knows about his abrupt name change.

"Pardon?" She asks

"I said that's not my last name. My last name is MISSILES, pronounced mee-sigh-less" he states.

"Umm okay then can I help you _Mr. Missiles_?"

"What's on your mind" Vincent asks her.

"O well I'm so glad you asked I just bought a new little Chocobo. He's so cute and I can't wait till this war is over to go see him. Last time I saw him I tied a pink bow into his hair. I wonder if he still wears it? Hmmm I wonder if he's eating right. I hope so! I don't want my little baby to get sick. And I really because he likes to eat and I do hope he is the farm and so cute where's Martha Stuart when I need 'cause there so cute. I just want to and then I went back to but my baby got shot."

"You're not making any sense." Interrupts a very puzzled Vincent.

Vincent looks up at her in a very confused fashion. He notices he is accidentally rocking back and forth on the X button in crouch mode as she is speaking.

"Oh I'm sorry, he says as he waddles off of the button. I guess I was fast-forwarding your text self-consciously because it was completely pointless and un-important."

She looks at him angrily and he stays in crouch mode and backs up slowly. He backs right into the back of Yuffie's legs.

"AHHH" screams Yuffie as the back of her knees buckle and she falls backwards overtop of Vincent

"EEEEPPPP!!!" Screams a startled Vincent. Everyone in the ship turns to look at him. He was now crouched on the ground holding his knees as if something was going to shoot him through the head. He looks up from his hiding spot in pure embarrassment.

"Ummm…" he manages to squeak out, trying to hide the fluster in his cheeks.

"I don't usually scream like a girl like that! I swear, I don't know what happened to me." He blurted.

"Vincent, that was u screaming? I thought someone stepped on a floorboard and it creaked." Said a surprised Cid.

Vincent gets back into his crouching position and scuttles away into the bathroom.

……**..……………**

"VINCENT!! WHERE ARE YOUUUUU," screams Yuffie from down the hallway.

Vincent hears her from inside the bathroom. Oh no she's going to find me and then I'm going to have to look at her O.o thinks Vincent. Just then Yuffie comes striding into the bathroom disregarding the fact that it was a men's only room. She sees Vincent trying to hide behind a wall of toilet paper he had constructed just moments before.

"There you are silly! Come out from behind that…uhhh…wall? …Come on I'm not going to hurt you."

She reached behind the wall and grabs a hold of Vincent's arm.

"EEEPPPP!" He screams and he quickly clamps his hand over his mouth to stop his girlish scream. "No, no, no, no, no, no" he mumbles to himself as Yuffie pulls him from out behind his toilet paper fortress.

He sits on the ground and looks down as to not make eye contact with her and be subject to her ugly face. She reaches down and lifts his chin so that he is forced to look at her. He swiftly reaches for his machine gun and realizes it's not there.

"Someone took my gun" he mutters under his breath.

"What was that Vincent?" She squeals in an inappropriately loud voice.

"Someone. Took. My. Gun." He states as if Yuffie was enrolled in a mental hospital.

"Oh that's a shame, why do you need your gun right now anyways silly? There are no deep ground soldiers on this ship." She squeaks a little too enthusiastically.

Vincent furrows his brows and mumbles something unintelligible under his breath about a plan to kill Yuffie later.

"What was that Vincey,? Oh well that's not important right now." Says Yuffie.

"Vincey…"repeats Vincent trying to process what Yuffie just called him.

The Ninja girl suddenly falls to her knees holding her stomach.

"What's wrong Yuffie?" Asks Vincent in a way that seemed to cause him pain to be concerned for her.

"Oh nothing really, just a little airsickness." She states and tries to force out a smile.

"Oh airsickness you say?" Says Vincent, a smile sneaking up his mouth. "That must be unpleasant. Here let me help you." He lifts Yuffie quite violently and sits her down on a bench. There was a pipe sticking out of the ground right beside it.

Oh my goodness that doesn't look safe at all he thinks, and then he smiles.

"Yuffie come here for a second. I think splashing some water onto your face might help you feel better."

Yuffie gets off of the bench and abruptly falls over the pipe onto her face.

"Owwwww!" She moans and stands up again. "That pipe is in a very awkward place" she states.

"Yes…how unfortunate" he mumbles. "So come here then, I need to splash water on your face to help you feel better because I'm a good friend and an overall good person."

"Okay…that's a weird way to put it but okay since your offering" says Yuffie happily.

Yuffie skips over to the sink. Vincent then runs freezing cold water into his hands and pours it on top of Yuffie's head.

"**AHHH OMG COLD**!" Screams Yuffie.

"Oh I'm so sorry Yuffie I didn't relies it was that cold because of the fact I can't feel through my metal claw."

"It's okay Vincent, I guess it helped a bit"

"It actually helped." Said Vincent, and his eye twitched a bit.

"Are you all right Vincent?" Yuffie said, her words full of concern.

"Yes I'm fine but I think its time you left the boy washroom Yuffie, and Cid was looking for you."

"Oh, okay then see you later." She said with a huge grin plastered on her face and she walked out the door.

Where's a knife when you need one? Thought Vincent.


	3. Stun Spree

**The Chronicles of Vincent Missiles**

This is the story of what really occurred in the game Final Fantasy VII Dirge Of Cerberus that they didn't show us. Featuring Vincent Valentine as our main hero.

Disclaimer: Square Enix owns Vincent and all FFVII characters.

And sadly I don't.

I don't own Spain

I don't own tide to go sticks.

* * *

"Vincent! Vincent come on wake up!" 

Vincent awakes to a loud knocking upon his door. He sits up pulls on his cape and his claw.

"Coming I'm COMING" He yells as the knocking persists.

He opens the door to reveal a rather happy looking Cloud with 2 stun guns in his hands.

"Cloud, What the hell is this…?"

"Come on man were going on a stun spree in town!"

"A what?" asks Vincent

"A stun spree! Don't tell me you've never done it. It's the most fun I've ever had. I though we should do it together, you know to get in some quality bonding time."

"I still don't know what you're asking me to do Cloud…."

"Oh right! Okay well a stun spree is where we ride around town and speed all over the streets causing havoc and shoot random civilians and WRO members with stun rays so they pass out!"

"…"

"Come on it's even more fun than it sounds."

"Cloud I don't know if this is a good idea…you're telling me you've done this before?"

"Hell yeah man! Come on we can take my fenrir!"

"A fenrir… Oh you mean the pipe cycle…."

"It's not a pipe cycle what is a pipe cycle anyways. It's the coolest vehicle around. I take chicks out on it to impress them and get them to like me. Works Everytime!"

"Are you trying to seduce me Cloud." Vincent says in a mocking manor.

"NO of course not."

"Do you not like me Cloud?"

"No I, I like you I mean not like that but you know as a friend! Come on Vincent stop messing with me!"

"What if I Don't"

Cloud could almost see Vincent trying to suppress a small grin. Cloud then smiles himself.

"Hmmm…. Vincent you know what?"

"What?"

"I forgot to tell you but yesterday I saw a huge _Missile"_

"A…A missile you say…" Vincent tries to contain his anger as his eye begins to twitch.

"Yah, it was a huge _missile_, I never seen so many big _missiles_ in the same place before. It was like a huge field of _missiles_ swarming with MISSILES"

"A..A…. IT'S MISSILES (mee-sigh-less)! AHHHH!" Vincent then tears his Jesus lights around and slaps Cloud in the face with them.

"Oww what the Hell man I'm sorry okay! Why do you have Jesus lights on your roof anyways…" cloud says in confusion.

"Because I live in a poor Spanish home…can't you tell. It's so dirty and small and didn't you notice that you traveled to Spain to find me here?"

"Yha but…wait your Spanish?" Cloud asks in disbelief

"Kind of, well I'm only part Spanish; I'm Spaniché" (span-ee-chay)

"Cloud turns and looks past Vincent into his house."

"Wow this is really a living sty you got here Vincent."

"It's not a sty per say but it is messy. So I guess I'll accompany you on this stun spree if you will stop making fun of my culture and leave my house alone."

"Sweet lets go then."

Cloud hops onto his pipe cycle and Vincent gets on behind him. They travel until they find a town with many civilians and WRO soldiers roaming around. They take to the streets and with stun pistols in hand begin stunning every civilian and their mothers. They whip past a market with 2 fruit carts and stun everyone so they fall into some berries and stain there clothing. Vincent laughs and throws a Tide-To-Go stick at them because he hates to see the nice fashions of Spain ruined by berry juices. They drive past an alleyway where two members of deep ground cornered two civilians.

"This'll be fun says cloud as he stops the bike just past the alleyways entrance. He tells Vincent to stay and watch and learn from a stun gun pro."

"Hey there sir." Cloud says non-challantley to the Soldier.

"Are you here to save us?" Say the two cornered people.

Vincent watched from around the corner and thinks Cloud is trying to impress him by being a hero.

"Nope" Cloud simply answers.

He wips out his stun gun and points it at the civilians.

"Don't be scared" he says in a monotone voice and he knocks out the civilians.

"As you were Soldiers" and he walks back to Vincent who is blinking at an usually fast rate trying to process what Cloud just did.

"CLOUD!" Screams a very irritated Vincent.

"Huh" Cloud spins around as if he forgot Vincent was even there. "Oh Yha so did u learn anything from that observing you did there?"

"Cloud even though you didn't kill those civilians the deep ground soldiers will!"

"They will, Nah they wouldn't do that. Here come look."

Cloud drags Vincent back over to the alley where he stands in disbelief. The deep ground soldiers have set up a tea set and are playing tea party with the two unconscious people.

"See, told you so Vincent. They don't really want to hurt people. They just pretend to so people won't make fun of them and call them gay. Well that was a lot of fun but maybe we should be off now."

Vincent just stairs back into space as he tries to process the sight of deep ground soldiers using there guns as legs for a mini tea set table. The rest of the ride back to his house Vincent is silent. Cloud drops him off and waves goodbye. Vincent just waves back still in a daze of what he had experienced that day.

That night he slept well and dreamt Cloud and Barret in dresses having tea with deep ground soldiers.


	4. Shopping

**The Chronicles of Vincent Missiles **

**This is the story of what really occurred in the game Final Fantasy VII Dirge Of Cerberus that they didn't show us. Featuring Vincent Valentine as our main hero.**

**Beware of Yuffie bashing**

**Disclaimer: Square Enix owns Vincent and all FFVII characters. And sadly I don't. I also don't own all of the stores mentioned in this story. I guess I don't really own anything!**

* * *

Vincent awoke to a loud knock on his motel door. (this seems to happen often) 

"I can't ever be left alone, can I?" he mumbled.

He opened the door to reveal a slightly annoyed looking Cloud and a very cheerful Tifa.

"And what did I do to deserve a visit from the lovely Tifa?" asked Vincent sarcastically

"Well Vincent I haven't seen you in awhile because of the fact you live in Spain now, and so I thought me and Cloud should come visit and take you shopping since your back in town for a few days."

"SHOPPING!!!" Screamed a now very excited Vincent.

"OMG Tifa you're my new best friend" He jumped up and gave Tifa a hug while knocking aside Cloud who almost fell over. Tifa looks quite shocked that Vincent had gotten this happy because usually guys hate shopping, like Cloud for example who was now leaning against the side of the motel looking very unhappy.

Once Vincent let go of Tifa, she strolled over to Cloud and started whispering in that loud voice mothers use when their children are misbehaving in a store and they don't want to make a scene.

"Cloud you better be positive about this. Vincent is one of your best friends and you should respect the fact that he likes shopping! This day is for him not you!' scolded Tifa.

"But Tifa! I hate shopping, are you honestly telling me I have to be positive about this? On top of all of that I'm starving."

"You can eat when we get to the mall Cloud, now stop whining"

Tifa hadn't noticed that Vincent was now standing behind her and was quite startled when she heard him say

"Yha Cloud we can get some pizza with extra tomahtoés on it"

Cloud reluctantly followed Tifa into the car and sat in the back seat alone, while Vincent got his space in the front while catching up a bit with Tifa. When they finally reached the mall Vincent just stared up at the huge place with his mouth open like he had just seen an angel.

"It's even prettier than I remember!" squealed Vincent as he rushed over to Cloud who had barely stepped out of the car yet and he grabbed him by the arm. He pulled Cloud up and ran to the doors of the mall with Tifa trailing not far behind. They stepped into the mall and Vincent ran up to the closest directory after stopping to smell the air and muttering something about how much he missed the scent of his beloved mall or something strange like that.

"So Vincent what stores do you want to go to?" asked Tifa

"All the hottest fashion stores of course! Ok so we will go to Pradda, and Oh of course Luis Vuitton, Holt Renfrew…"

When Vincent was finished listing his huge list of stores they wanted to hit before they left they began making their way to Holt Renfrew

"OH MY GODS! Tifa look at how cute this top is! You have to try it on!"

Vincent rushed over to Tifa from the women's department of the store and shoved a small black top into Tifa's hands. After insisting she try it on and shoving her to the change room Tifa finally emerged in the black shirt that was a little to skimpy for her taste. Clouds mouth dropped over in the corner of the store at the sight and he thought maybe this trip wouldn't be so bad after all.

"It's a little different from what I would usually wear Vincent. It's a little small too."

"Oh okay Tifa that's fine" Vincent replied with a smile on his face. "Just wanted to see it on someone, okay now you have to find something for meeeeee" he squealed in excitement.

Cloud couldn't believe that Vincent would EVER act like this, and he began questioning all ways of life. Caught up in thought he didn't notice Vincent running up to him until he found himself on the ground with Vincent standing just above him.

"Oh sorry there Cloud I didn't mean to knock you over. The floors in here are far too slippery; it couldn't possibly be safe, anyways! I found this sweater and it would look adorable on you Cloud"

"Adorable…."Cloud thinks.

"You must try it on!"

Tifa looks over at him and shoots him daggers with her eyes as to say you better try that on Cloud or else! And Cloud remembers not to be selfish because this day was about Vincent. He rolls his eyes and reluctantly and rather violently grabs the top and tries it on. Cloud has to admit it's one of the ugliest things he's ever seen. But he manages to fake a smile as he emerges. Vincent looks disappointed and says Cloud that doesn't look good on you at all. I'll see if I can find something in another store that better compliments your curves. _my curves..._ Thinks Cloud but he feels relieved that he will be left out of these shopping antics until they reach another store and goes to sit down on a bench.

After about another half an hour in the store and frantic running towards and from the dressing room made by Vincent and Tifa, they finally stride over to him and say there going to the next store.

On their way to Pradda, Vincent spies a store that sells designer bags.

"PIT STOP" he yells rather loud to get Tifa's attention while he runs into the store.

When Tifa grabs a hold of Cloud and drags him into the store to catch up with Vincent she sees him eyeing a satchel on the wall of bags. (A satchel is a type of bag incase you didn't catch that) She steps up behind him.

"Tifa…isn't that the more GEORGEOUS bag you've ever seen in your life!" he says

"Yha Vincent it's pretty nice."

"I MUST have it, oh shop keep!" he yells

Someone working at the stores comes up to him and says, "May I help you sir?"

"Yes I would like to have that fine satchel please"

"Okay sir let me ring that up for you"

As Vincent emerges from the shop with his new Satchel strung around his shoulder Cloud can't help but snicker. Tifa elbows him in the side.

"So Vincent is this the first time you've purchased a purse or do you have more at home?" Cloud can't help but poke a bit of fun at Vincent, after all he's never seen him act like the before. And he wishes he never had.

"It's not a purse Cloud! It's a finely crafted Satchel bag. And I don't own a purse those are for girls. I do however own many man bags. Vincent says confidently as he keeps walking.

Cloud was just about to make another joke at the fact that Vincent owns a "man bag", but is interrupted by a large squeal by Tifa from behind them and a familiar voice following it.

* * *

To be continued! Read next chapter for continuation. I didn't wanna make this chapter unbearably long! So i broke it into 2 peices. Please comment I wanna know what you think. And I'm finally getting the hang of this site. YAY ME XD 


	5. Shopping Continued

**The Chronicles of Vincent Missiles**

This is the story of what really occurred in the game Final Fantasy VII Dirge Of Cerberus that they didn't show us. Featuring Vincent Valentine as our main hero.

**Beware of Yuffie bashing**

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything, Except for my crazy ideas.

* * *

"Yuffie! I haven't seen you in ages! What are you doing here!" 

"I was just going on a little shopping trip, I needed to get some new yellow knee high boots. Surprisingly they're harder to find than I thought. What are you doing here Tifa?"

"Oh me and Cloud decided to take Vincent on a shopping trip since he's back in town from Spain for a couple of days."

"Vincent Valentine, I mean Missiles" Yuffie rolls her eyes at the memory of his name change. Vincent slowly cowers behind Cloud like he thinks Yuffie wont see him. But of course he's wrong.

Yuffie jumps up and completely ignores Cloud as he is paused aside for the second time that day and she tackles Vincent with a big hug.

"OMG Vincent, I haven't seen you in forever! How have you been?" Asks Yuffie.

"I've been fine Yuffie thanks for asking…" he replies as they keep walking. He suddenly runs over to a kiosk in the middle of the mall and yells OMG this is the cutest phone cover I've ever seen! Tifa come here for a second!"

Tifa runs over to him leaving Yuffie standing where she was before Vincent started running and squealing like a girl.

"Hard to believe he can be like this isn't it" Cloud says as he brushes past her to catch up with Vincent and Tifa.

After the cell phone covers Tifa spies a Lasenza store.

"OOO Yuffie wanna go to Lasenza?!" Asks Tifa.

"Only if the boys come in with us!" Yuffie squeaks evilly. For she knows no guy would ever want to go in there.

Tifa looks expectantly at Cloud and then at Vincent.

"OH NO you can drags me into fashion outlets, random girly kiosks, even SATCHEL BAG STORES! But there is no way in hell I'm going in there!" Cloud says. And he crosses his arms.

With that Vincent picks Cloud up and slings him over his shoulder. He nods his head and follows the girls into the store not caring how much of a fuss Cloud was making.

Vincent set him down in the middle of the store as Cloud stared in horror of all the girly things, thongs, bras, pajamas and fluffy things complete with the scent of a few perfumes.

"Vincent. I hate you right now…"

"aww come on Cloud it's not that bad."

Tifa skips up to Vincent and hands him Yuffie's shopping bags.

"Vincent you are in charge of these, they're Yuffie's bags. If anything should happen to them it'll be your fault.

Out of one of the bags was a pink fluffy Ninja star toy.

Cloud stared at the Ninja star. He was still deathly hungry and when he stared at the star for a couple of minutes Vincent started to look concerned.

"Cloud…"

"That is a very big cookie she bought Vincent…"

"What are you talking about?"

"The cookie! Don't tell me you don't see it!" And with that Cloud had jumped onto Yuffie's bag and started to eat her pink fluffy Ninja star toy.

"OMG, OMG, OMG" Vincent thought as he ran around in little circles. "Cloud! NO! That's not food! Uhh…bad Cloud!" He yelled as he jumped on Cloud and tried to get him off the Toy.

"Cloud pushed him off and Vincent grabbed a g-string from a near shelf. He tackled Cloud and started strangling him with it.

Cloud quickly tried to retaliate and grabbed a bra and hooked it around Vincent. He began stuffing it with the shreds of stuffing coming from Yuffie's Ninja toy.

"Vincent you look so PRETTY!" Cloud mocks as Vincent tightens his grip on Clouds throat. Soon this turned from a fight to get Cloud off of Yuffie's stuff to a fight to see who could make the other look more ridiculous.

Cloud found a wired bra and tied it to Vincent's head while Vincent put a thong around Clouds head.

"Oh Cloud you look so feminine! Guys might start hitting on you!" Vincent teases.

"A least I don't have a purse that matches my bra!" Cloud retaliates as he shoves Vincent's "man bag" onto his shoulder and finds a bra of the a similar colour to replace the one already on his head.

* * *

"Oh Yha that's cute Yuffie. I need a bigger size though." Tifa and Yuffie were in the dressing rooms where they heard a scream from Cloud and they quickly re-dressed and went out to see what the two boys could possibly be doing. 

They rushed out only to see Vincent on top of Cloud with blush on his cheeks, a stuffed bra on his chest and his hair tied into a sloppy ponytail. Cloud was lying on his back under Vincent with Vincent's man bag over on top of his chest, a thong over his head and a push up bra on his stomach. As soon as they saw Tifa and Yuffie they jumped off of each other and their faces went crimson red.

"Uhh…" was all Cloud could come up with. Vincent didn't even dare speak. He felt silenced by the anger in Tifa's eyes.

"WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING!" She yelled

"CAN I NOT LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR 5 MINUTES? YOU'RE LIKE CHILDREN! And why do you smell like perfume!" She yelled. She suddenly burst out laughing and Yuffie followed. Vincent and Cloud looked at each other and Vincent started giggling too. Cloud wasn't amused.

"What?" he asked

"Nothing, You look hot Cloud" And Vincent burst out laughing.

Cloud looked at him. "I hate shopping..."


	6. Vincent sings

**The Chronicles of Vincent Missiles**

This is the story of what really occurred in the game Final Fantasy VII Dirge Of Cerberus that they didn't show us. Featuring Vincent Valentine as our main hero.

Disclaimer: Square Enix owns Vincent and all FFVII characters. And sadly I don't.

**I NEED IDEAS FOR NEW CHRONICALS PLEASE SUBMIT THEM AND ILL USE THEM**

**please review!!

* * *

**

Vincent awoke one morning in his home in Spain. His parrot Spanky was being too loud that morning. It's irritating squawking awoke Vincent around 11am. It was rather late for him but he had been up late last night talking to a drunken Cloud who was in a very emo state.

_"It's like no one understands it man…it's like if something's not as big as everything else people just dismiss it. What about the ladybugs! –Sniff-" _

_"Cloud it's okay everyone loves the ladybugs"_

"_NO THEY DON'T! They don't even know they exist. I found one today and rescued it. I have it in a jar. One time you can come visit her. Just look at what society has come to. I mean no one appreciates the small things anymore! –Sniff- -sniff-_

"_Cloud, you need to get some sleep okay. I am really tired to. I think it would be best for both of us. I'll talk to you tomorrow"_

Vincent had no clue why Cloud was in such a state and if he really did have a ladybug in a jar or not but he decided it would be best not knowing at all. He went to get some cereal and Spanky was sitting contently staring at him from inside his cage.

"_GOTHTARD –sqwakkkk-_"

"What the hell was that Spanky? Is that even a word."? Vincent mumbled.

"SKREEEE!!" Spanky was making weird birdlike noises while flapping his wings over and over in his cage, which because Vincent was so poor was made of rusty spoons. Just as he was about to put the first mouthful of cereal into his mouth there was a loud knocking on his door.

"Coming…" he said groggily, while slowly trudging towards the door.

He opened it to reveal Cloud standing with a jar in his hand.

"Vincent meet Aerith" He said with a smile.

"Cloud, you named that ladybug Aerith. I don't think that's healthy."

"No Vincent it's actually her spirit in my ladybug, see it was a sign fro-

"Cloud you know I don't even wanna know" Vincent interrupted.

"Oh…okay that's fine" Vincent stood waiting for Cloud to say something for around 5 minutes.

"CLOUD!" The Blonde looked up from laughing and mumbling something to his ladybug to acknowledge that they were still standing at Vincent's door.

"Oh yeah, hey sorry man. I just dropped by because I kept you up so late last night talking about my problems I thought I might make it up to you by taking you somewhere fun. I was thinking we go to a karaoke bar!" Cloud said while flashing a huge grin.

"Do I strike you as the kind of guy who enjoys clubbing and karaoke Cloud?"

"No but there's a first for everything so lets go, by the time you get dressed and we get there it'll be late enough for us to get in, why did you ever move to Spain anyways?"

"Fine Cloud come in I guess I'll get dressed and I'll be out in a minute."

When they got to the club Vincent was actually kind of looking forward to it. Cloud had told him this club was very popular and that even some famous people have been there before. When they dismounted the pipe cycle in front of the club/bar Vincent entered alternate girl personality mode when he thought he saw Dave Navarro.

"OMG, OMG is that Dave Navarro!!!" Vincent squealed as he ran over to an unsuspecting man.

"Excuse me sir, but you are Dave Navarro?" He said while tapping the guy on the shoulder.

"Oh hey Vincent, what are you doing here… no I'm not Dave Navarro" Said Reeve as he turned around to greet his friend.

"Oh sorry Reeve, you really look like Dave Navarro though.

Vincent went back to find Cloud and they entered the bar. It was a very lively looking place with lights illuminating the stage where the karaoke was being held. Small string lights were hanging shining from the edges of the walls lighting up people sitting at small bar tables sipping drinks and watching the karaoke.

"Come on Vincent lets get something to drink" Cloud said as he pulled Vincent's arm over to the bar.

"Pass me some shots there man" Cloud yelled to the bartender. He passed over 2 shot glasses and a bottle of something that Vincent thought to be quite questionable. Cloud poured them each some.

Once the bottle of alcohol was finished both men quite drunk and Vincent was definitely ready for some karaoke.

"Heyss Cloud lets do shome Karaoke now!" Vincent slurred his words.

"Okay but do you really want to Vincent?" Cloud chuckled because he wasn't near as drunk as Vincent was and this would truly be entertaining for him.

"Yeah let's go!"

Vincent jumped up on stage and picked the song Macho Man to sing. Cloud just sat down at a table without Vincent noticing or caring he wasn't up there with him.

"Thish song is to you guys from me I improvised the lyrics!" He said smiling.

The music started up.

Body...wanna feel my body?  
Body...such a thrill my body  
Body...wanna touch my body?  
Body...it's too much, my body  
Check it out my body, body.  
Don't you doubt my body, body.  
talkin' bout my body, body,  
check it out my body

He pranced around the stage slightly touching him-self like slightly brushing his hand against his face. And doing some shimmy twist moves into the ground and running his hand down his side.

Every man wants to be a makko, makko man  
to have the kind of body, always in demand  
casting spells in the mornings, go man go,  
works out in the Turks facility, muscles glow  
You can best believe that, he's a makko man  
ready to get down with, shoot anyone he can.

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!  
Makko, makko man  
I've got to be, a makko man  
Makko, makko man  
I've got to be a makko mannnn

Makko, makko man  
I've got to be, a makko man  
Makko, makko man (yeah, yeah)  
I've got to be a makko man!

He took a bow and stepped off stage. Cloud practically had to catch him so he wouldn't fall flat on his face.

"I think it's time to leave now Vincent" Cloud tucked his video camera back into his pocket and carried Vincent out to the pipe cycle.

When they got back to Vincent's house Cloud dropped him into his bed and placed the video camera next to him with a not saying Here's what we did last night, wouldn't expect you to remember but it was fun. Don't erase it; anyways I have a duplicate tape. Next to the camera and the note he placed 2 Tylenol tablets and then left.

The next morning Vincent awoke with a terrible hangover and when he finally opened his eyes he saw the camera and the note. The first thing he thought when he was a video camera was oh no…what did I do now. He saw the Tylenol and quickly took them. He watched the video after reading the note.

"OMG…."

That was when he spied Aerith the ladybug on his table. Apparently Cloud had forgotten it.

"That ass clown didn't stop me from signing last night…It's time for some revenge Aerth."

* * *

I know bad ending. I might fix it up a bit. I just needed to get a new one out. **PLEASE REVIEW PPL AND I NEED NEW IDEAS FOR CHRONICALS PLEASE SUBMIT THEM AND ILL USE THEM!**


	7. Cultures Collide

**The Chronicles of Vincent Missiles**

This is the story of what really occurred in the game Final Fantasy VII Dirge Of Cerberus that they didn't show us. Featuring Vincent Valentine as our main hero.

Disclaimer: Square Enix owns Vincent and all FFVII characters. And sadly I don't.

**This story is quite random and if you haven't played the game you might not get a couple of parts. But in my opinion it's still good :D

* * *

**

_This story opens with Vincent talking to the evil Rosso the Crimson in the room where you face her in that building._

"…So that's why we need you to give us your materia Vincent Valentine..."

"Oh, just so you know my name is now Vincent Missiles, I changed it. And if you have my materia then I won't be able to control Chaos and I will go crazy and destroy the earth and all it's inhabitants, including you" Vincent reasons

"Oh yes I forgot about that fact that I would die to… Missiles...That's an intresting name choise..."

Rosso suddenly lunges at Vincent to puncture his chest with her hand grab his materia from inside his body. Vincent jumps out of the way and pulls out his machine gun. He shoots her a couple of times and then stands up facing her.

"How did you survive being shot 6 times? You don't even have one scratch on you!" Rosso ignores his comment and shoots weird orange flame things at him and they collide right with him.

"OH NO my health, if I die the world will actually be safer because then chaos won't exist but, I want to live…I need some potion!" Vincent looks around and spies a shopping center just in the corner.

"No _freaking _way! There's shopping during a boss fight! You're joshing me!" squeals Vincent in disbelief.

He slinks over to the machine in crouch mode and the world freezes as he starts shopping. He restocks all of his potions and buys some new bullets, he also decides to upgrade his gun while he's at it and then he is ready to fight again. '_It's almost impossible for me to loose if I have unlimited potions' _he thinks.

He quickly heals himself and then goes back to the fight with Rosso. She sneaks up behind him using her super in-humanly quick speed and bitch slaps him upside his head.

"OH NO YOU DIDN'T!" he screams and he does a slick dodge roll move and at the same time uses fire materia to set her ass carpet on fire.

"Ahhh my beautiful carpet tail! What have you done!" screams Rosso.

Vincent was laughing at the sight of Rosso's flaming carpet and he heard her mumbling '_stop drop and roll, stop drop and roll, STOP DROP AND ROLL!' _to her self as she rolled around on the ground trying to put out the flames.

On the other side of the room Vincent was laughing so hard his sides were starting to hurt. He didn't notice that this was the perfect time to kill her, he also didn't notice that Rosso had put out the fire and preserved around ¼ of her carpet tail thing. She walked over to the hysterical Vincent rolling around on the ground.

"Shut up you fool!" She was very angry and Vincent's howling laughter just made it worse.

"I SAID SHUT UP!" And she kicked Vincent in the side.

He stopped laughing immediately and got up off of the floor.

"No **_you_** shut up, stupid Transylvaniface**!!"**

"Transylvaniface…? Are you trying to make fun of my culture! Because I'm not Transylvanian I'm Russian. And at least I don't live in a poor Spanish home!

"How did you know about my residence in Spain!"

"Vincent everyone knows that you live in Spain. You know how many people like to stalk you and look up your records on the computer just to send you mail and stuff…Don't you get any letters or anything?"

"Oh those are _letters_ I thought people just enjoyed sending me little thin rectangular packages, I thought they may be traps so I burn them."

"You have got to be one of the stupidest people I've ever had to kill! How are you still living, I'm surprised you haven't fallen into a toilet and drown or something mentally challenged like that."

"Well at least I don't have a sty hanging off of my ass!!" screamed Vincent and he pointed to the remainders of her ass carpet. Her face went red with anger and she started screaming random things that Vincent figured to be some kind of profanities in Russian. He just stood there with a slight smirk on his face on how angry she was getting. She slowly clamed down and then sighed.

"Vincent do you even know what a sty is. Because a sty is a pigpen and my carpet isn't a pigpen, it's a carpet."

"Oh…well then…I knew that. I just chose to use it in different context." He said smugly.

"It doesn't work that way Vincent…"

Fed up with her criticism, he turned into Chaos form and destroyed her with two slashes of his claw.

"NOOOOO" she screamed as she faded away into darkness off the side of a building.

"That was for Spain and all of my Spaniché brethren, Transylvani-bitch! " Vincent yelled as he watched her fall from the building.

As soon as she was gone Vincent went around the room and collected the many suitcases that people had left lying around that contain many expensive items. He then walked over to the shopping center and bought a dictionary. He looked up the word Sty.

_A pen or enclosure for swine; pigpen_. _Any filthy place or abode_.

"Hmm I guess I can't call ugly random objects sty's but people can still call my house one…I don't really think that's fair."

Vincent re-sold the dictionary. He then went back to his house to try and clean it up to re-deem it as clean and not a _living sty_.

* * *

I think this was the worst one out of all of them so far. I didn't wanna make it to short. So i added some stuff. Stil good though right?

**REVIEWS anyone? Plzzzz?**

**I promise to get a new one out as soon as possible! But reviews are apprecheated. PLEASE SEND ME IDEAS FOR NEW CHRONICLES.**


	8. Snow

**The Chronicles of Vincent Missiles**

This is the story of what really occurred in the game Final Fantasy VII Dirge Of Cerberus that they didn't show us. Featuring Vincent Valentine as our main "hero".

**Beware of Yuffie bashing**

Disclaimer: II still don't own Spain and I don't own any of the FFVII characters

* * *

Vincent awoke one morning to see something completely abnormal happening in his little country of Spain. It was snowing. "OMG, OMG! OMGGGG!" Vincent squealed as he jumped out of bed. The ground outside was covered in a white fluffy blanket of snow. While the floor inside was mostly covered in Spanky's shit because he has escaped on the count of that Vincent has used up all but 4 spoons that made up his cage. He got dressed and turned on the news channel while he sat down to eat some cereal, which left Spanky's cage with only 3 spoons left. 

_As a result of Global warming we are experiencing some very abnormal cold fronts. Canada is currently experiencing some abnormal warm weather compared to what they usually have up there while the States are experiencing colder weather. Yesterday Florida got freezing rain and snow that has left many orange orchards covered in snow. Crops are dying. Here you see a recent snowstorm in Texas we think…click_

Vincent switched off the T.V.

"Wow this really is some abnormal weather were having. It hasn't snowed here in all of my life I think. Oh well this will be a really fun day. I can go out and play!"

Vincent went and retrieved a sweater and went to play outside. He rolled down hills and made a snow angel. But not being completely satisfied with the snow angel he drew little horns on it with his fingers.

"There, a snow devil!" He said

He saw some people in the distance and he heard a familiar laugh. He shuddered because that laugh could only belong to one person. He walked over to the little ninja girl.

"Yuffie what are you doing here?" he asked.

"OMG Vincent HIII, Look I brought some friends with me!" She squeaked.

Vincent looked over and saw Cloud and Reno a fair bit away from where the two were currently standing.

"Since when do Reno and Cloud get along?…and since when are they friends with you"

"Since they apologized to each other. And just because I'm so friendly and likeable!" She squealed. "Come on, come say hi Vincey!"

Vincent twitched, Yuffie grabbed his arm and dragged him over to where Reno and Cloud were currently rolling the hugest snowball he had ever seen. Cloud stopped pushing it when he saw Vincent and ran over to him, letting the snowballs weight fall back and pin Reno's legs underneath of it.

"Hey Vince, man how it going?" Asked Cloud.

"Not bad, why did you guys decided to come to Spain today?"

"Cause it snowed. How often does it snow in Spain, this is a one in a lifetime opportunity and pluss we haven't had any snow back home. It really makes me sad. Like I wanna cry you know, because you can tell how the environments changing…and it's just so sad" sniff

"Oh…" Vincent didn't really know what to say around Cloud when he started to get all emo. As they stood there in a moment of awkward silence Reno decided to whip a snowball at Cloud to get his attention. It smacked him right in the back of the head and Cloud quickly turned around.

"What was that for!" Cloud yelled.

"Oh I don't know yo, maybe it's because you left this snowball to fall on me and it has now pinned my legs underneath of it and I can't move. It could have also been for the fact that I have been calling you for the last 5 minutes and you didn't even hear me. Did you leave you hearing aid at your house or something you old granny!. Reno Yelled.

"I…I'm not old! sniff" Cloud whined.

"Don't worry Cloud your not old, Reno doesn't know what he's talking about."

"I know Vince, _sniff _but sometimes he can just hurt my feelings." Cloud ran back over to Reno to lift the snowball off of him. Reno stood up and dusted himself off. His hair had snow all caught in the back and he shook it like a wet dog to get the snow off. Yuffie was just sitting on the snow making some kind of design with a stick. Vincent saw an opportunity and he balled up a snowball and whipped it right at Yuffie. It hit her in the back of her head.

"OWW!" She yelled. She turned around and looked like she was going to cry. Vincent just turned around and pretend like nothing had happened. He wouldn't feel any pity for the girl who was physically too ugly to be living. He just lye down and started to stare up at the sky.

After around 20 minutes of Vincent laying motionless on the ground looking up at the sky Yuffie decided to go lay next to him to see if anything was wrong. She lay down beside him without saying a thing, which was very unusual for her. Cloud and Reno noticed that Yuffie and Vincent had left them and were now laying motionless in the snow and so they went over beside them and lay down themselves mimicking their strange actions.

Finally after 10 more minutes of staring Yuffie decided to break the silence.

"Did you ever wonder what snow really is?" She asked.

"What do you mean? It's frozen rain isn't it?" Asked Vincent

"Yha but I mean the illogical reasoning to it…when I was little my mom told me that there was a cooking festival in heaven and that snow was sweet icing sugar that the gods decided to share with the world"

"I always thought that snow was heavens way of showing us that there is something more up there, and that snow was a way of trying to show people how beautiful the earth could be. Like a sign or something that we should be taking better care of the earth."

"Wow Cloud that's deep" Reno said sarcastically

"Shut up Reno, I bet you never even thought about it" Cloud Retorted.

"I did so! As a matter of fact I used to think that winter was gods mating season, and so he would have sex with all the angels to create new people. And then the ones that didn't get pregnant were put through a paper shredder. And so snow was useless angel carcass's falling from the sky." Reno stated.

"Reno I used to think you were just a little messed up, being in the Turks and all must have made you just a little bit violent but I never knew you were such a weird kid!" Said Yuffie.

"Well I didn't make fun of your theories!"

"But Reno our theories were gentle and peaceful sounding. You basically just said that as a **_child_** you thought that god was a whore and had sex with all the angels. And if they didn't meet his needs he killed them and then sprinkled their remains onto the earth…" Said Cloud.

"Well I think that Reno is very creative because he seems to have made that up by himself." Vincent said.

"Thanks Vince! So what do you think snow is?" Asked Reno

"Well I don't really have a strange theory for snow like you Reno, or an emo thought like Cloud, or a "sugary" thought like Yuffie. I just think it's frozen ice" Vincent Sighed

"Well you have to think of a weird theory and tell me it okay Vince?" Said Cloud.

"Yha of course." He answered. With that they all got off the ground and said their goodbyes because it was getting kind of late.

Vincent was forced to hug Yuffie goodbye and he squeezed her a little to tight in hopes she might be a bit ingured. But she said nothing. He gave Cloud and Reno some nice man hugs and then he retreated back into his house to tend to Spanky before he decided to go to bed.

That night Vincent had a wonderful dream of god shredding Yuffie though a paper shredder because she was such a whore.

* * *

I know it was a bad ending! Please dont shred me! I ended it kinda quick...I might make it longer but I didn't want it to be unbearably long so no one would read it. 

**PLEASE REVIEW PPL ill love you forever**

**Please check our story Vincent Missiles:The lost chapters its really funny, Insanity wrote that one**


	9. Sleepovers

**The Chronicles of Vincent Missiles**

This is the story of what really occurred in the game Final Fantasy VII Dirge Of Cerberus that they didn't show us. Featuring Vincent Valentine as our main "hero".

Disclaimer: II still don't own Spain and I don't own any of the FFVII characters

* * *

Our story opens with the great hero Vincent Missiles…shopping? 

"Oh shop keep, do you have this in a different colour? I don't think the sewer green compliments my figure too well…do you have it in red, maybe black?

"Sorry sir we don't have that particular sweater in black or red." He answered.

"Oh fine then…" Vincent looked disappointed as he exited the store. He checked his watch impatiently. '_Well even if I can't find a stylish outfit I'm still going to have fun watching a movie tonight'…_he thought.

Vincent Walked out of the mall and started to head back towards his house. '_This walk is taking much longer than usual'_ he thought. He was getting irritated at the fact time was being so cruel to him and he started to kick up some rocks and dirt while walking along the un-paved poor Spanish road. When he FINALLY reached his house he stood outside for a minute and checked his watch again.

"Only 2 more hours 'till they get there" He said to himself.

"SKWAKKK SKREEEE!" Spanky screeched from inside the house, sensing the presence of his master standing outside of the door.

"Shut the hell up Spanky!" Vincent screamed as he barged into the house and whipped a penny at Spanky's cage.

He set his coat down on top of some old cereal and decided to call Tifa.

"Hello" She answered

"Hi Tifa! What's up, how long until you and Cloud come over for movie night?" He asked

"Oh not to long now, Cloud is just taking a shower and doing his hair" She said making him seem completely gay. "Yha well I'm just on this website called face book, maybe you've heard of it but I just found this awesome group called 'The Violence Is The Answer Club' It's pretty cool. Anyways what are you up-

Tifa was cut off by vicious yelling in the background. Most likely coming from Cloud who now obviously finish fixing his hair.

BAD GIRL! BAD GIRL! Yelled Cloud.

"Uh Vincent I have to go I'll call you back in a minute" And with that Tifa hung up the phone.

"I really wonder what is going on over there…" Vincent said turning to Spanky so he didn't seem like a loner talking to him-self.

**Meanwhile

* * *

**

Tifa rushed over to Cloud who was holding his hamster Muffin and rapidly striking the poor thing with his index finger.

"CLOUD what are you doing to poor Muffin!?" Screamed Tifa.

"Muffin here decided to chew a hole in my favorite pair of Boxers!" Cloud retorted.

"The one's with the broken hearts on them?" Tifa asked as she rolled her eyes.

"YES TIFA!" And with that he went back to the hamster. "BAD GIRL!" he screamed as he hit the hamster again. He reached for a knife. "BAD GIRL!!!" he yelled and just as he was about to strike the hamster with the knife Tifa ran over and swiped it from his hand.

Cloud stopped yelling at the poor little hamster that was now cowering in the corner of Clouds giant hand. He sunk down to the floor and started crying.

"MUFFIN WHAT HAVE I DONE!" he sobbed, cuddling the hamster to his cheek as it lay there in his hand.

"This is going to be a long day" Tifa sighed as she walked over to the broken down Cloud who was still sobbing loudly on the floor. "Cloud, muffin will be alright, stop crying or else your going to make your eyeliner run. Come on now we have to get going to Vincent's."

"Sniff Okay Tifa…" Cloud stood up and carefully placed Muffin back into her cage.

* * *

A couple of hours later Vincent got a knock on his door in Spain. 

"Finally!" He breathed as he grabbed Spanky from on top of his new Jesus light and placed him back in his cage. He walked to the door and opened it to greet his friends.

"Tifa! Cloud! I'm so glad you're here; I've been so bored all day long…Cloud you look upset" He paused "Are you okay?"

"Yha I'm fine" Cloud answered.

"Well we better get going to the movie store." Squeaked Vincent excitedly.

They all hopped onto Clouds pipe cycle and rode to the local video store Spaniché Video. When they arrived they started browsing the store. Vincent and Tifa went to the romantic section and Cloud went to look at the video games they had to offer.

"Oh Tifa look I LOVE this movie" Vincent picked up the movie 'The Notebook' and went to show it to Tifa, but he got so excited he wasn't paying attention to what he was doing. He quickly spun around with the movie in his hand and smacked a local Spanish girl right in the face.

"AH! Miss I'm so sorry!" He yelled. She screamed back some Spanish profanities and walked away.

After Tifa went and apologized to her for Vincent's behavior and they managed to pull Cloud away from the new Playboy Mansion game for PS2, they finally decided on the movie 'Black Beauty'. (Much to the disapproval of Cloud that is.)

They got back to Vincent's house and popped in the movie to Vincent's ancient VCR.

"Vince, I think I should get you a DVD player for your birthday…" Said Cloud.

By the end of the Movie Vincent and Tifa were in tears and they were mumbling stuff like _so beautiful_ everyone once and awhile. Cloud just snorted and pretended that they weren't there. When the movie ended they just watched the credits roll by.

"That was the most beautiful movie I have ever seen" Sobbed Vincent.

"I know!" Said Tifa.

"You guys are pathetic" Snorted Cloud

"Wow it's getting really late, it' already 2:30 am…maybe you guys should just stay over for the night.

"Sounds good to me" Said Tifa. "I'm sure Cloud would love to stay to"

Cloud rolled his eyes and just sat there, which usually meant he was in agreement.

"Great I can't remember the last time I had a sleepover!" Vincent squealed. "Ill go get the mattress for you guys."

Vincent ran out of the room and quickly returned with a futon looking thing that looked like it has been stored in a pile of dirt and rotten Quesadillas.

"Vincent when was the last time this was washed…" Asked Tifa as she looked at the dirty mattress in disgust.

"Oh don't worry Tifa I have some sheets for you guys."

Vincent pulled out a sheet as white as fresh snow from his closet and laid it out onto the mattress along with a blanket covered in a Luis Vuitton pattern. Cloud rolled his eyes as he saw the blankets he would be sleeping on for the night. Tifa looked confused, as she had never seen something so white before in her life and for Vincent to own the extremely white object surprised her a bit since everything he owned was either brown from being dirty or was just brown. Vincent lent Tifa a t-shirt and boxers to sleep in while Cloud just wore his boxers from the day. As Cloud stripped out of his clothes he caught Vincent staring at his boxers with a puzzled look on his face.

"What?" Cloud asked

"Oh sorry, nothing I was just thinking, usually boxers have hearts on them not broken hearts." Said Vincent.

"Well I shop at a different store than you guys do." Said Cloud.

"Umm…Cloud…you also have a hole in the side of them."

Suddenly Cloud just sank to the floor and started sobbing through his hands. Vincent thought he heard Cloud say the word Muffin in-between his sobs but he wasn't sure what had just happened so he ran and got Tifa.

"Tifa! I told Cloud he had a hole in his boxers and then he just started crying! What do I do?" Asked Vincent.

"Oh… you remember when I hung up on you earlier today…well it's because Cloud went into a fit of rage and started to abuse his hamster Muffin. Then when I snapped him out of it he started crying because he had abused his poor little hamster."

"Well what made him go through the fit of rage?" Vincent asked.

"The fact that Muffin chewed holes in his favorite boxers with broken hearts on them…"

Tifa didn't have to continue her story for Vincent to figure out what had happened and they both went into the room to tend to the very distressed Cloud.

Once Vincent had gotten him a new pair of plain black boxers to sleep in they were about to say goodnight when Vincent struck Tifa in the back of the head with a pillow.

"PILLOW FIGHT!" He giggled as he smacked Cloud in the stomach with the pillow.

"God damn it Vincent…" Cloud said. He decided to go sit over on the couch while Vincent and Tifa had a pillow fight.

Once that was over they actually said goodnight and they all went to sleep.

Cloud had begun dreaming almost as soon as he had fallen asleep. Lately he's been experiencing nightmares about Aerith's death.

"Aerith is that you?" Cloud approached what he thought to be Aerith standing in a field of flowers. He tapped her on the shoulder and when he turned her around it turned out to be Vincent.

"_CLOUD buddy OMG I just baked some cookies! Would you like some? Their choco-choco chip flavored!" He squeaked._

Suddenly Cloud awoke from his strange dream to feel burning liquid all over his stomach.

"AHH OMG" He jumped up screaming almost knocking over Vincent who was sitting at a table almost right next to him

"BLACK BEAUTY! Why did you spill your tea on top of Cloud! He was sleeping so peacefully" Said Vincent.

'_Black Beauty'…_thought Cloud.

Once the burning subsided he looked over to see Vincent sitting at a small tea table with a black feather duster sitting in a small chair across from him.

"Vincent WHAT are you doing!"? Yelled Cloud

"Well you see Cloud Black Beauty and I here were just indulging in some morning tea time. Would you care to join us?" He asked

"You do know that that is a feather duster you spray painted black right?" Cloud said and he raised his eyebrow.

Vincent ignored Cloud.

"Would you like another tea biscuit Black Beauty? Maybe a crumpet or a choco-choco chip Cookie?" Vincent politely asked his feather duster.

All of the screaming had woken Tifa from her slumber and caused her to get up to see what all the commotion was about. She approached Cloud from behind and when she got close enough she saw Vincent sitting at the tea table.

"Vincent…what in heavens name are you doing?" Asked Tifa.

"I was just having a nice tea party with Black Beauty…" Says Vincent who was now becoming un-easy about his friends reactions to the situation.

"Vincent if this is how you are going to react to watching a movie maybe we shouldn't have movie night anymore." Said Tifa.

"I was just trying to have tea! If that's such a big deal then I wont anymore OKAY!" screamed Vincent. With that said he got up and grabbed his feather duster and ran into his bedroom. He knocked over the tea table on his was and more hot tea spilt all over Cloud and he stated screaming. He hit his toe on the bottom of Spanky's cage and Spanky started Squawking.

'_And I thought yesterday was going to be a long day' _Thought Tifa.

* * *

I know this chapter was unusually long! I appologise!! But I couldn't find a place to split it into 2 chapters and so it's just one extremly long chapter.

If you've come this far in the chronicals please spare 40 seconds and make a review! If you read this one chances are you like it enough to review...right? am i right!? So come on guys! every review is appreacheated!

On that note I would like to thank my 11 REVIEWERS ILU guys! 3 XD


	10. Yo mama

**The Chronicles of Vincent Missiles**

This is the story of what really occurred in the game Final Fantasy VII Dirge Of Cerberus that they didn't show us. Featuring Vincent Valentine as our main hero.

**Beware of character bashing and more randomness than ever before.**

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these wonderful characters. I don't own any of the "normal" jokes used in this chapter. I don't own the mentioned and mainly focused on TV show but I wont spoil anything so go and read it for yourself

* * *

The day had passed rather quickly in Vincent's mind. He had spent his whole day hanging out with Cloud and Cid and getting in some quality male bonding. Cid and Cloud thought he could use hanging around other guys because they thought his fashion obsession was getting a little out of hand. Cloud had recently departed from Vincent humble home in Spain and now Cid and Vincent were contently watching T.V 

"Vincent this show sucks! Give me the converter, let me pick something" Cid said as he grabbed the remote control from Vincent's hands.

"I happen to love that show Cid! It happen to be one of my favourites, the one where Chandler goes away on Christmas holiday and then comes back to spend time with his friends and Monica, it's such a good episode." Vincent protested as Cid hastily flicked through the channels.

Cid found a channel that he obviously thought was entertaining so he left it there for a second.

"Cid…may I ask exactly what this is?" Vincent said

"Haha I haven't seen this show in forever" Cid chuckled

"What is it exactly…" Vincent asked

"Its called 'Yo Mama' Cid replied.

'_Your mamas so fat that when she jumped in the air she got stuck!' _Vincent heard someone shout from the T.V

"It's when two guys go at it in an all out 'your mama' diss' battle for money." Cid continued

Just then the show ended and it Vincent just watched the credits go by. It said that they were always looking for new contestants and then it flashed a phone number across the screen.

"Vince! I dare you to try out for it!" Cid yelled as he grabbed a pen and since Vincent was too poor to have a notepad, Cid scribbled the number on his hand.

"No way…I've never even tried to 'diss' someone before and I don't really seem why it's funny or even necessary to hurt someone else's feelings…"

"Come on man, just make up something right now"

"I don't want to…why don't you try out"

"Because you would be perfect come on man you have to" cid begged

"No"

"Come onnnn Vince" Cid whined

Vincent was starting to get angry with Cid and his raged caused him to lash out at Cid.

"YOUR MAMA'S SO POOR I'D SWEAR SHE WAS SPANICHE!" Vincent screamed.

"HAHA good one man" Cid said

Vincent was still angry at the fact Cid had gotten his way and he didn't notice Cid call the show and give them Vincent information. He had hung up the phone before Vincent had registered what Cid had just done.

"CID! you didn't!" Vincent yelled.

"Oh come on Vince…it'll be good for you to engage in some male activities for once." Cid replied.

"SHOPPING CAN BE AS MANLY AS YOU WANT IT TO BE!" Vincent yelled, his anger now making him flushed in the face. "Well if you already called in I might as well start thinking of DEGRADING JOKES THAT HAVE ABSOLUTLY NO PURPOSE!" Vincent screamed and he stormed off into his bedroom.

* * *

Meanwhile behind the stage of yo' mama 

"Yo playa, we got a new boy that wants to try his luck out here at the show" yelled Gangsta' number 1 (A.K.A Joey)

"You know the drill 'G' just get him down here in the afternoon tomorrow for his preliminaries foo'!" replied Gangsta' number 2 (A.K.A Max)

"Fo' sho' 'G'" replied Gangsta' number one and he walked off.

* * *

Back at Vincent's house 

Vincent was warming up to the idea of being on 'yo' mama' and he was writing down random 'yo mama' jokes on a paper that he had found blowing around outside of his house one day that he had saved. He was so busy writing crazy joke ideas he didn't hear Cid come and approach his door.

'**_Knock knock'_**

"Vince, I'm sorry, if you really don't want to be on the show I can call them back and cancel it"

"It's okay Cid, I am actually really starting to find this entertaining, you can come in if you want" Vincent replied.

Cid walked into the room and sat next to Vincent on his 'bed' (a futon on the floor with a Versace patterned sheet on top) He went to look over at Vincent's paper and Vincent hurriedly snatched up his paper and held it close to his chest and out of Cid's view.

"No Cid!" Vincent scolded "These are a secret until I have to tell them to someone, I don't want anyone's opinion unless I ask for it" Vincent said.

"Okay, whatever man" And with that Cid got up and left the room to let Vincent finish up his jokes.

The phone rang and Cid picked it up to answer it.

"Hi Vincent Valen…Missile's residence, Cid speaking"

"Yo playa' I'm just ringing you up to confirm Vincent's place on the show."

"Oh yes Hi, so where is this show being held?" Cid asked Gangsta' number one.

"One house from that creepy ass building with no sign on it in Midgar. Tomorrow at 1pm sharp 'G' you know the building I'm talking about"

"Yah I know the one…so is Vincent expected to talk and be like a gangster on this show…no offence or anything to you guys."

"Naw man, we 'aunt need some white trash wangsta' all up in our faces yo"

"Well Vincent's not really white trash he's Spaniché" Cid replied

"Whatever yo…so drop by at 1pm yo, this is just the preliminaries, so this is just the qualifying round yo. Don't be late"

And so they hung up after that very awkward conversation. Cid walked back into Vincent's room to tell him when his appointment was. Vincent suddenly felt that he would need Cid to help him with his jokes.

"Cid, I really don't think anything I say can beat any of the other guys…" Vincent said

"Well…let's hear one Vince, give me one of your best ones so far" Cid said\

"Okay um…" Vincent hesitated as he scanned his sheet for an okay joke before he continued

"Your mother is so dense that she got lost in a 3 meter by 3 meter crevaché" Vincent said.

Cid chuckled. "That's not to bad man, but instead of saying your mother is so dense say 'yo mama is so stupid'. It's what they will be expecting, unless you wanna catch them off guard a bit." Cid suggested.

Vincent seemed to think this over for a minute and decided that he would decide on the spot. After Cid had told him about his meeting and he had come up with enough jokes he decided to go to sleep to prepare for his big day tomorrow. Cid decided to crash on his couch because he would probably be accompanying Vincent to the audition tomorrow.

The next morning Vincent awoke to a rush of adrenaline. This was his big day. His chance to prove himself as a your mama joke champion. He jumped out of bed and went to wake Cid. He noticed Spanky had crapped dangerously close to Cid's mouth and cringed as Cid sniffed the air and awoke only to start yelling about he was going to kill the bird. Once Vincent had calmed Cid down they got dressed and headed off to the old 'yo mama' warehouse in downtown Midgar. If they didn't have an airship at hand they would have never been able to make it back to Midgar from Spain in time, but thankfully they did.

* * *

When they arrived Gangsta number one greeted them at the door. 

"What's poppin yo! You must be Vincent and Cid, good to meet you yo' get on in here" He said

"Thanks" Vincent said with a smile.

Once they were inside Vincent looked around the room. It was quite small and looked like an abandoned warehouse.

"Ah right on time, I'm surprised" Said Gangsta' number two who just popped out of nowhere.

Vincent just stood and smiled at him nervously.

"You must be Vincent, I'm Max, nice to meet you 'G'"

"Nice to meet you to Max" said Vincent

Gangsta' number 2 (Max) showed Vincent around and showed him his opponent who was a buff black guy who's name was Darren.

Once Gangsta' number 2 was done showing Vincent around he had 5 minutes to prepare for his dis-battle preliminary match.

"Will both jokesta's come out onto the playing field" Yelled Gangsta' number one.

"Let the dis' begin!" Yelled Gangsta' 2, and so the dis-battle begun.

Darren was first to yell out a dis

"Your mama's _so stupid_ she blinked and got lost!" Darren yelled.

"Your mamas _so** poor**_ that she can't even afford the proper amount of rusty spoons to properly assemble a birdcage!" Vincent retorted.

Gangsta' numbers 1 and 2 were both very confused about Vincent's weird joke but just let it continue.

"Your mama's _so smelly_ that even her poops glad to escape!" Yelled Darren

"Oh yah, well **your** mama's _so stupid_ she played all of Dirge of Cerberus without even knowing how to attach her Materia to her gun!" Vincent retorted. (A/N heh heh, I **so** didn't do that ;)

"What…" Darren muttered very confused but he continued on with his jokes.

"Your mama's _so poor _that her boobs are **real!**" Yelled Darren

"YOUR MAMA'S _FEET ARE SO CRUSTY_ THAT I THOUGHT THEY WERE 2 WEEK OLKD ENCHILADAS!" Yelled Vincent.

"OOOOOO BURN!" max screamed as he came down from his judging pedestal upon which he was standing for the duration of the battle

"Congrats Vincent! That last joke just made up for all of your weird ones before that, I have a Spanish background and old crusty enchiladas are not good at all yo!" Gangsta number 2 yelled.

"Oh my! You're joshing me! I so did not just win that!" Vincent squealed.

The gangsta's just reassured him and told him that he would be moving on to tomorrows show and to meet in the parking lot of this building for the taping at 5pm.

* * *

Back at Vincent's house...again 

"Cid can you believe I won! And I didn't even use my best jokes! I'm totally gonna' cream my opponent tomorrow!" Vincent squealed.

"Now don't get over confident Vincent we will find out everything tomorrow. I'm going to invite our friends to come and watch, Max said it was okay. Is it okay with you Vince?" Cid asked

"Yah of course" Vincent replied. He immediately regretted it because he remembered that Yuffie would be attending then. '_Oh well'_ he thought '_this way she can hear the awesome jokes I made about her'._

Cid made his phone calls and it seemed everyone would be attending the show tomorrow. Vincent went into his room to perfect his remaining jokes and Cid crashed out on his couch again. Vincent was so hyped for his day tomorrow he forgot to put his dishes away, but what's new about rotting tomahtoé's laying around his house anyways.

The next morning Vincent and Cid got an early start and headed around all of Midgar to pick up their friends before heading down to the 'yo mama' studio.

* * *

When they arrived Gangsta' 1 and 2 greeted them and set them up for the filming. Vincent was introduced to his new opponent; Dan and quickly briefed on how to act on TV. Yuffie, Tifa, Cloud, Reeve, and Cid all got seated on the stands and prepared to watch Vincent battle it out with some random gangster. 

"WHOOT GO VINCE!" Yuffie screamed.

"Yuffie shut up, the show hasn't even started yet" Cloud scolded.

"I was just being supportive…" Yuffie replied.

As soon as everyone quieted down Gangsta' number 2 did his introduction to the show and then it began.

"And now pimps and ho's, LET THE DIS' BEGAN!" Max yelled.

Vincent's opponent was first to yell out a dis

"Yo mama has such a huge moustache that she braids it!" Dan yelled

"BOOOOO!" Yuffie screamed

"Yuffie shut up!" said Tifa and she nudged her in the shoulder.

"Is that all you got!" Vincent said "Yo' mama is _so stupid_ she thought Spaniché wasn't the word for stereotypically poor Spanish!" Vincent yelled!

"Oh Jesus…Cid didn't you revise his jokes before you let him come here!?" Reeve asked

"No he wouldn't let me, plus this is gonna be hilarious!" Cid said, and then he started chocking on his piece of straw he always chews.

"Yo mama's so dirty that she was banned from a sewage facility because of sanitation worries!" Yelled Dan

"Your mama's _so ugly _that I thought she was **Yuffie!**" Yelled Vincent

"WHAT DID HE JUST SAY!" Yuffie yelled in fury.

"Yo mama's teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!" Dan retorted

"Yo mama's teeth are so **_brown_** that I thought they were tacos!" Yelled Vincent. He could hear distant laughter coming from gangta' number 2 at his Spanish related joke.

"Yo' mama's so fat that when she stepped out of bed, the earth sunk." Dan yelled

Dan's lame common jokes were beginning to draw small boo's from the crowd while Vincent's jokes were strange enough to keep the crowd interested.

"Yo' mama's so stupid that when she first saw Reeve she didn't mistake him for Dave Navarro!" Vincent yelled.

"WHAT!" Reeve yelled and his face went red with anger.

"Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical Order !" Shouted Dan

"Yo' mama's _so stupid!_ SHE STILL SAYS MISSILES! (Miss-elle-s)" Yelled Vincent.

No one really understood this one but it got Vincent's friends on the ground gasping for air in-between their laughing fits. Dan was getting worried because he didn't know if he was winning or loosing because Vincent's jokes were so strange.

"Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!" Yelled Dan

"Yo mama's so fat that I'd swear she _wasn't_ Spaniché, because if she was, she would be skinny and starving from mal-nutrition."

"What's with you yo'?" Dan yelled but Vincent seemed unaffected by his comment and didn't even give Dan anymore time to think of jokes, Vincent just kept on yelling them out.

"Yo' mama's so poor she works at an ass-carpet manufacturing company! Yo' mama's so messed up that if you looked up the term 'living sty' in the dictionary you would see her name under it!"

Dan just looked stunned and Vincent decided to dish out his final joke

"YO' MAMA'S SO **STUPID** SHE'S NEVER EVEN HEARD OF VERSACE!" Yelled Vincent.

"WHOOOOOO" cheer cheer clap clap

Gangsta' number 2 came down and grabbed Vincent's arm and swung it into the air.

"CONGRADUALTIONS MR.MISSILES! YOU ARE THE ULTIMATE YO' MAMA DIS CHAMPION!" He screamed so he could be heard over the roar of the crowd.

"YAY VINCE!" screamed Vincent's friends as they ran down to congratulate him. Tifa gave him a big hug and Cloud gave him a nice handshake and a man-hug. Reeve and Yuffie decided to just glare at him for a minute and Cid was just laughing.

"Vince, did you really have to humiliate us like that!?" Yuffie screamed.

"Oh don't worry guys, it's not even like anyone knew who you were."

"Well you didn't pick on Cloud, Tifa or Cid though!"

"Your moms so naïve that she gave Cid money for booze…" Vincent muttered as they walked off. Yuffie started to giggle and Cid just glared at him.

"Your moms so gigantic I thought she was one of Tifa's boobs." Vincent sniggered.

"Vince that's enough!" They yelled.

"Your moms so stupid she took Cid to the pet groomer's and asked them to trim his whiskers"

"VINCENT!" They all screamed in frustration and they tackled him to the ground.

**"Your moms nose is so pointy I'd swear it was Clouds razor!" **Vincent screemed from under the pile of his friends

"This is going to be a loud night" Tifa sighed over the noise Cloud was making now smacking Vincent upside his head.

* * *

Good?...bad? I don't know. This chapter was really really long I'm srry I'm srry!!!

Please forgive me!

You didn't come all this way in the series just to stare at the page! If you have read this please review.

**I'm not sure if I should continue this series for veyr much longer...if you think otherwise please review guys! and tell me otherwise! **

**Thanks for all your support:D**

**-Generation Pope**


	11. Cloud, Birthdays, Mandarin and Clowns

**The Chronicles of Vincent Missiles**

This is the story of what really occurred in the game Final Fantasy VII Dirge Of Cerberus that they didn't show us. Featuring Vincent Valentine as our main hero.

I still don't own any characters

_**PLEASE READ:**_ This may be the last instalment I do on this fic for awhile unless there is high demand because it seems I only have one faithful reviewer (and I greatly thank Kysic for that! ) So all you people who follow this story and don't review! (I see the hit count; don't think I don't know your reading because no one goes to the tenth chapter without reading it! PLEASE take 5 seconds to review!

Since this could be the last chapter for a while it might just be extra lengthy for you guys. But bear with me!

* * *

One lovely day Vincent was asleep peacefully in his room. It wasn't until someone using his blender until he finally woke up. And with a rush of adrenaline I might say because someone was in his house. 

"Who could be in my house…and who would want to…? Vincent pondered.

He got up and put on his spiky heartless shaped boots and his cape and the rest of his interesting ensemble before he stepped out into his living room (actually it's the only other room in the house but he has separated his rooms by the difference in floor tiles…and yes he does fortunately have enough money for floor tiles)

"Hey Vince. Hope you don't mind me coming over. I didn't want to wake you." Cloud said to Vincent as he put down the large knife he was using to chop up something or other.

"Cloud…now now now, what have I told you about playing with my knifes. I know your history and we must learn from our mistakes so please lower my knife." Vincent calmly said as he approached Cloud in a cautious manor.

"Heh Vince, I was only going to cut up some strawberries for my 'human blood smoothie' that I was making…but what ever you say." Cloud surrendered as he put the knife back on Vincent's table.

"So what brings you to Spain today Cloud?"

"Well I was thinking we spend a day together…since you know today is your birthday after all…" Cloud drifted off.

"I TOTALLY FORGOT! It IS my birthday isn't it! YAY. What a joyous occasion. I think we should celebrate Cloud." Vincent squeaked.

"Well..Yha that's why I'm here" Cloud mumbled in his emo tone.

"Great I'll be right back, I have to get dressed in something more suitable for mall walking." Vincent exclaimed as he ran back into his room.

"Who said anything about shopping…I sure as hell didn't '_sigh'_ oh well…I guess I could bear it for Vincent's sake." Cloud mumbled to himself.

Vincent emerged only moments later wearing a sewer ditch green scarf over a black shit with some cream coloured sweat pants.

"There we go! All dolled up for shopping!" Vincent yelled as he grabbed Cloud who was still looking at the rather large knife on the table and dragged them out to Clouds bike.

Once they arrived at the mall Cloud was trying his best to be supportive of Vincent's obsession with name branded clothing. Although he didn't know many he knew a few.

At the entrance of the mall they had walked into the Bay (The Hudson's bay company is Canadian for all you readers out there. They clothing is from many different brands and is quite overpriced and ugly.)

While Vincent was currently preoccupied with some Versace shirts Cloud decided to look around and find some more brand names to add to his knowledge bank.

"Hey Vincent look" Cloud called to him.

Vincent sauntered over to where Cloud was standing in front of a small rack of clothing labelled '_Guess'_.

"Are these clothes any good?" Cloud asked still looking and poking at the fabric of a very questionable looking shirt.

"Are you kidding me? Guess is so last year. I bet Guess starts off the sentence: Guess how ugly these clothes are on a scale of one to ten, ten being the ugliest and if you say 10 I'll give you a dollar!" Vincent said as he rolled his eyes.

"Ok then… Well what about this one." Cloud said as he pointed to a French connection shirt that said 'I'd fcuk me'.

"NO WAY! That's so old! If I ever bought a French connection shirt it would have to say I wouldn't fcuk this shirt cause it's so ugly!" Vincent squeaked and made his way out into the rest of the mall because he was getting tired of Clouds lack of fashion sense.

They wandered the mall for a while longer and then Cloud couldn't contain himself any longer. He had to start whining.

"Vincent if I don't get anything to eat soon the darkness is going to engulf my soul and eat away at it until it bleeds and…" He whined very emo like. That is until Vincent cut him off.

"Fine Cloud fine! If it will make you shut up I will do anything! God your worse than a child" Vincent said as he grabbed Clouds arm and dragged him up to an ice cream store.

"Order whatever you want Cloud" Vincent commanded and so Cloud did just that.

"Hi umm I'll have…a chocolate ice cream... " Cloud said and he handed the cashier some gil.

They went and found a table at the food court and Vincent waited for Cloud to finish his ice cream.

Once they were ready to go again and Cloud was a little less cranky they made their way to another strip of stores.

"Cloud, Vincent what a surprise!" An annoying monotone voice said from behind them. They spun around to see Aerith standing there.

"Oh hey, so great to see you!" Vincent squealed as he ran and jumped on Aerith.

"What are you guys doing here?" Aerith asked.

"Well today is my birthday so Cloud decided to come shopping with me, although between you and me…" Vincent leaned in closer to Aerith so Cloud wouldn't hear them.

"I would prefer to be here alone, he's worse than a 5 year old with his whining." Vincent whispered.

Aerith just laughed and gave Cloud a soft smile over to where he was sitting moping on a bench.

Aerith decided to follow them into the next store. It was some random manga store that sold all kinds of things. Once Cloud went in there he didn't seem quite as bored because they had a TV playing some weird kung foo movie on it.

"Look Aerith!" Vincent yelled over to her.

"What is it Vincent?" She asked as Vincent held up a small manga book for her to see.

"It's pokémon! Didn't you ever watch that when you were a kid?" Vincent asked.

"No I've never heard of it"

"What have you been doing with your life Aerith!?" Vincet cried out as he quickly flipped open the book to show to Aerith. He stopped on a strange looking page that had a member from team rocket named James instructing his pokémon named Rosémon to attack an apposing creature.

"See now that's what you call weird! That's why I love this stuff!" Vincent shrieked as he closed the book and set it back onto the shelf.

"Come on Cloud we're leaving." Aerith called over to Cloud. Except she didn't really call because she can't raise her voice at all so she kind of talked softly and hoped he would somehow magically hear her. He pulled himself away from the TV and followed them into the next store.

It happened to be a fashion outlet that contained all of Vincent's favourite designer brand names. Including Versace of course.

Aerith walked over to where one of the Versace lines was being inspected. Vincent ran over soon after and insisted that she try on this one shirt. So because it was Vincent's birthday she decided to play along and went and tried on the shirt.

"I don't know if I like this very much Vincent," She said as she emerged from the changing room.

"Why not? It looks lovely on you" Vincent reasoned.

"I've never been a big fan of Versace before, it's really not all that great looking."

Vincent twitched.

"And it's not worth the money either. This is just a shirt and it's $150. If the company is going to charge that much then they should at least make the clothing half decent looking." Aerith thought out loud. Which was a big mistake, and Cloud knew it. He had rushed over to Aerith and clamped a hand over her mouth before she could say anymore. But it was to late Vincent had already snapped.

"Shut up Hoe!" Vincent cried before he backhanded her and she flew across the room into the ceiling and got stuck there.

"Vincent!" Cloud cried as he ran from the store to comfort his friend who was now very upset.

"Come on Vince! She didn't know it would upset you so much" Cloud reasoned as he finally caught up to Vincent.

"How could anyone insult Versace!!" Vincent sobbed.

"Aww come on man, don't cry. Here umm lets see if I can cheer you up ok so I have a joke!" Cloud smiled.

"Alright…" Vincent said.

"Ok so what do pigs give for valentines day?"

"Versace scarves and chocolates?" Vincent sniffled.

"No, Valenswines!" Cloud yelled.

"Haha Pigs are such sty's."

"You can say that again" Said Cloud who was now very happy he had cheered up Vincent.

They both forgot about Aerith who was dying up in the ceiling but that was unimportant. Vincent decided to take Vincent out for a nice birthday dinner.

"So Vince, where do you want to go?" Yelled Cloud over the roar of his pipe cycle.

"I don't know, you decide…I don't really know this area to well even though I live here I never really leave my house except to go to the mall." Vincent confessed.

"Alright, we'll go to The Mandarin." Said Cloud as they sped up faster down the highway.

They arrived at a very Asian looking building and Cloud parked his pipe cycle in the parking lot.

"Come on Vince, were here. Don't worry this is a really good restaurant. It's a buffet." Said Cloud.

Vincent followed Cloud into the restaurant. They opened the front doors and Vincent saw that they were walking along a little bridge that was only as long as he was tall, up to the main desk. There was a bar on one side of the main hallway and he could see the buffet and all the people in the background. He followed Cloud up closer to the counter.

"WELCOME TO MANDARIN!" Shouted a lady carrying a tray of drinks.

"Thanks" Vincent said and he smiled. Cloud rolled his eyes.

He walked up to the main counter and stood behind Cloud.

"2 Adults please." Cloud said and he paid the lady.

"Ok ok, here are your menus, follow me and welcome to mandarin." She said and they followed her further into the buffet area.

"Welcome to Mandarin!" Shouted another pair of ladies that worked as waitresses to them.

"Thanks…" Vincent said a little quieter than last time.

They kept walking and were almost to where they would be seated when a big guy emerged from one of the rooms.

"WELCOME MANDARIN!" He yelled in a loud voice with a thick Asian accent.

"Ah" Vincent screamed and he jumped a bit.

He just kept walking and hoped these people would go away.

"Okay, here we are, this is your table. My name is Wa-ping and I will be your waiter for tonight. Would you like to place a drink order?" She asked them and then she took out a notepad.

"Welcome to Mandarin" A waitress yelled across to them noticing they weren't in the room the last time she had entered it.

"Uhh yah. Vincent said and he opened a menu. Can I have a tomahtoé juice please."? Vincent asked and he closed his menu.

"He means tomato, and for me I'll have a coke please." Cloud said.

"Oh okay, I'll be with you as soon as possible." And with that Wa-Ping left the room and went into the back somewhere.

Vincent looked around. The room they were sitting in had a sign that said something in Chinese that Vincent recognised to be happy new years. There were Chinese dragons heads hung decoratively on the walls and there were fish tanks separating the rooms. Someone yelling 'welcome to mandarin' snapped Vincent out of his thoughts.

Just then he looked up and he thought he saw an evil Clown standing at the back of the room. He blinked and the clown was gone.

Wa-ping arrived back with their drinks and they drank rather hastily because they were still a bit thirsty from walking around the mall all day.

"So Vincent you want me to show you the food they have here? When you're at a buffet you can just get up from your table and go get whatever you want!" Cloud said rather cheerfully.

"Sure lets go" Vincent said.

They got up and went into the main room with the buffet in it.

"WELCOME TO MANDARIN!" Someone yelled at them from across the room.

"Why do they keep doing that Cloud? I think the same person has welcomed me 2 times already." Vincent said.

"I think the employees here are just mentally unstable, or mabey they have short-term memory loss." Cloud tried to explain.

"OMG They have CHURROS!" Vincent shirked and he ran over to the churros.

"Cloud, did you know that Churros are an official Spaniché delicacy!" Vincent yelled as he shoved a bunch of Churros onto his plate.

"Umm, No Vince I didn't and don't you think you should eat something healthy before eating al that. Churros are just deep fried dough dipped in sugar after all." Cloud reasoned.

"Come on Cloud. It's my birthday, It won't do any harm. AHH!" Vincent suddenly screamed and hid behind Cloud. He whispered in his ear.

"Cloud…did you…did you see that evil Clown over there…?"

"No…" Cloud replied and he raised an eyebrow.

"O…must have been my imagination then, okay good. Anyways where were we!" And Vincent skipped off in the direction of the Sushi bar.

Cloud just stood there wondering about this act of randomness that had just been displayed by his friend. He chose to ignore it and then caught up to Vincent at the Sushi bar.

"Did you ever see that movie Finding Nemo?" Vincent asked Cloud as he was studying the contents on the sushi table.

"Yha why?" Cloud asked.

"Because I really think that all the sushi in the world is made up of Nemo and his little friends." Vincent said.

"But Vince, didn't you see the ending of the movie? They all got back to the ocean safely." Cloud reasoned.

"Yha but I think they got recaptured. This Sushi looks like that baby seahorse that's allergic to water, I think I feel like eating him tonight" And Vince shoved a sushi onto his plate.

Cloud just stared at him like he was insane.

Once they had filled there plates with food they returned back to their table.

"Welcome to Mandarin!" A waiter said as he passed. Vincent just rolled his eyes and kept eating. He took a sip of the complementary water they had there for him. A second later someone refilled it to the top.

"Umm thanks…" Vincent said.

"So Vincent how do you like it here?" Cloud asked.

"It's good. It's kind of over friendly. But the food is great." Vincent answered.

Vincent took another bite of his ice cream that he was currently eating and then went back to talking with Cloud. When he turned back to his food he noticed it was being taken away on a platter.

"Hey I wasn't done yet!" Vincent called after the waitress. But it was to late. His food has been lost to the evil waiters that worked here.

"Welcome Mandarin!" A waiter called and then bowed to Vincent and Cloud before walking back to the kitchen.

"If someone welcomes me again I'm going to set this place on fire!" Vincent half yelled half whispered to Cloud.

Cloud just laughed at him

"Vincent calm down, we wont be living here so just be thankful we will be leaving soon. Although I told them it was your birthday so they will be bringing you cake soon." Cloud said quietly.

"You mean there going to sing and talk to me personally! Why Cloud why!?" Vincent asked.

"Because well I thought it would be fun…and well I don't know." Cloud said quietly.

"Cloud don't get all emo on me now, I'm sure it wont be so b---

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO VINCENT HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!"

Vincent sat there admiring the nice looking cake they were holding out to him.

"Okay picture time!" They screamed.

"Picture time…" Cloud said out loud right before Vincent pulled him into a hug and the waitress snapped a picture. And quite an interesting one at that.

"Here you go! Would you like us to bring you the check?" Wa-Ping asked as she handed Vincent the Polaroid picture.

"Yes please." Said Cloud

Wa-Ping walked off to get the check as Vincent sat patiently waiting for his new picture to develop. Since he was to Spaniché to afford a camera of any kind he usually didn't have photographs.

"This is awesome! I haven't had my own photograph in forever! I'm going to make a frame out of something I find on the roadside for it and then put it on my wall!" Vincent squealed looking at the picture that was now half developed. Suddenly Vincent dropped the picture.

"What is it Vince?" Cloud asked as he saw the look of horror on his face.

"Cloud its there! The clown! It's in the picture I saw him!" Vincent said.

Cloud picked up the picture and examined it.

"Vince, there is no clown here. I don't know what's going on with you tonight." Cloud said. And he handed Vincent back his precious picture.

"Here you go!" Wa-Ping said as she returned with their check. She was also holding a small tray with 2 fortune cookies on it and some lemon scented warm towels.

"Thanks" Vincent said and he smiled at her.

Vincent opened his lemon towel and started to wipe his face with it making sure it got all the stickiness of the Churros off of his face. Cloud just wiped his hands with his. Once Vincent was done he set his towel back down and picked up his fortune cookie. He flicked out his tongue to lick a bit of the lemony scent off of his cheek to see what it would taste like.

"Eww it tastes like chemicals. Actually maybe it tastes a bit like candy. I can't tell. Oh well." Vincent mumbled. He broke open his fortune cookie and read the fortune inside.

'_Your emotional nature is strong and emotional'_ It read.

"Well this doesn't make much sense, what does your say Cloud?" Vincent asked.

Cloud opened his cookie.

"You will have a run in with some puzzling bohr-rutherford diagrams." Cloud read.

"What kind of fortunes are these!" Vincent yelled.

"Lets just go now" Cloud said as he paid the check.

When they were riding back to Vincent's house Vince t started to complain about how his stomach was hurting.

"Cloud my tummy hurtssss" Vincent whined like a 5-year-old child.

"Ok well I'll take you to the doctors hang on." Cloud said as he turned the bike around.

"Why do you think its hurting Vince?" Cloud asked sounding like the 5 year olds loving mother.

"I think the evil Clown poisoned the Lemon towels." Vincent said.

"It could be because of the 37 Churros you ate in the time span of about 4 minutes." Cloud reasoned.

"Maybe, but I'm really convinced it was the Clown." Vincent said.

When they got into the doctors office Vincent explained to the doctor that he was having bad stomach pains and he thought that an evil clown at a restaurant had put poison in his hot towel to try and kill him off. Once Vincent was done explaining Cloud talked to the doctor and told him the amount of junk Vincent had consumed.

"Vincent come with me please." The doctor asked.

Vincent got up and walked slowly behind the doctor and into his office.

"Hello Vincent I'm doctor Senial. So what seems to be the problem hmm?" He asked.

"My stomach is hurting and I don't know why, remember I already told you."

"Ah yes, I remember. That makes me a very sad panda. I hate it when nice customers have stomach aches." Doctor Senial explained.

"Well I don't like having stomach aches either, so Doctor what do you think is wrong with me?" Vincent asked as the doctor ran some simple tests.

"I think you have cancer."

"But sir, cancer doesn't make your stomach hurt.

"To bad you have cancer. Now leave my office before I have to get physical."

Vincent quickly got up and ran from the office.

"Cloud we are leaving." Vincent said as he ran outside.

"What did he say Vince?" Cloud asked.

"He said he was a 'sad panda' because I had a stomach ache and then he told me I had cancer and when I told him I was certain I didn't he said 'to bad' and then re-told me I had cancer and then he told me to get out before he had to get physical with me…" Vincent trailed off.

'_Why is everyone in this country so handicapped!_' Cloud thought as he drove Vincent back to his house.

"Do you mind if I come in for a second Vince, I have to use the bathroom before I take off." Cloud said.

"No problem."

Cloud went off to use the bathroom.

* * *

"Thanks Vince I'm going to go now." Cloud yelled. 

"Vince?" He yelled, as he got no response.

"Out here." Vincent yelled.

Cloud stepped outside and looked up. He saw Vincent sitting on the roof of his house hugging a Jesus light.

"Vincent what are you doing?" Cloud asked.

"I'm taking a moon bath, I need to rid myself from the day's impurities. Cest-a-dire my water pipe is broken so I can't take a regular shower." Vincent explained.

"Cest-a-dire…?" Cloud asked.

"It's a French conjunction word, gosh! get with the program. I'll see you later Cloud, thanks for dinner and everything." Vincent yelled.

"Alright see yah later man…" Cloud said, still puzzled by Vincent's actions but none the less got back on his pipe cycle cleaving Vincent to rid him of impurities in the night.

* * *

Alrighty guys thats all! If you wish for me to continue this PLEASE review. As I said about I see the hit counts and you don't come to the 10'th chapter without reading it so review and I'll give you all cookies! 

-Generation pope


	12. Skeleton Keys

**The Chronicles of Vincent Missiles**

This is the story of what really occurred in the game Final Fantasy VII Dirge Of Cerberus that they didn't show us. Featuring Vincent Valentine as our main "hero".

Disclaimer: II still don't own Spain and I don't own any of the FFVII characters

and really, we're not dead.

* * *

Vincent had just returned to his shack after a long day of Christmas shopping at the local Midgar Mall. And of course he had only gone shopping for presents for himself. He just couldn't resist the new ultra soft suede Verace sweatpants that were on holiday special for only $300! What a steal!

All that shopping had over stimulated his very excitable mind and that was the reason that he was now dialling his best friend Cloud's number. He really wanted to have a fun boys day out and he knew Cloud was the only one who was home all the time because he had nothing better to do than shine his razors with his special cloth purchased from the emo emporium.

"HAY CLOUD!" He shrieked into the phone as he heard a grumpy voice send a greeting from the other side.

"…Hi Vincent" Cloud sounded more disappointed than usual for some reason.

"Whats wrong best friend of mine…" Vincent asked; his voice sounded very genuinely concerned.

"Oh well I bought a new hamster but it died. No big deal…except that I'd named it after my…late Ladybug…Aeris."

"Cloud…I'm so sorry for your loss. Please come over so I can properly console you!" Vincent all but yelled. He could hardly contain his excitement that this opportunity to get Cloud over to his house had arisen.

Cloud didn't answer for a moment but Vincent heard dramatic sniffles coming from the other side of the line before his friend finally spoke up again.

"Cloud, leave right now. I'll wait outside for you so don't make me freeze to death okay! It's only 29 Celsius out today and my best Versace jacket is in the wash because I spilt baked beans on the front of it…"

"I…okay I'll come now. See you soon Vince." Cloud hung up.

Vincent hurried outside and slammed the door behind him. He sat out front in his cheap plastic lawn chair. He bobbed his head to the music that was Spanky's squawking because he had eaten some rust from his spoon cage and now had a stomach ache. Vincent knew this but he just told Spanky that he didn't have a PHD and that he should stop complaining.

He stared off into the sand dunes and watched as one of his many, many pink flamingos were swept up in a sand tornado. Just another excuse to go shopping.

Soon enough Cloud rode up on his pipe cycle. It seemed he'd polished that too. No one but Vincent would ever be able to tell now that it had been driven through the desert and was covered with sand but…he could tell. He just could.

"Cloud!" Vincent cheered as he got out of his seat and ran over to his friend who was taking his helmet off. His blonde hair flew in the sandy wind and Vincent caught a glimpse of his good side. He really should take up modeling.

Cloud gave Vincent a nice man hug full of sorrow before moving ahead of him to go into the house. When he went to open the door it was locked.

"Vincent…"

"Oh Enchiladas! I must have left the key near Spanky's cage! Don't worry Cloud I have a spare!"

Vincent proceeded to dissemble his claw hand thing from around the rest of his real human hand. Cloud stared in disbelief as he noticed that one of Vincent's fingers had been cut in half; except the skin had healed at the knuckle where as the bone was perfectly intact and just so happened to be carved into the shape of his house key.

"It's always good to keep a spare" he said cheerfully and he quickly unlocked the door.

"Shall we?" He gestured inside.

Cloud shook it off and entered the house. His senses were immediately filled with the smell of petting zoo and tacos.

"So uhh Vincent…what exactly am I doing here again?" Cloud asked.

Vincent walked inside and closed the door behind him. It usually didn't fit properly in the door frame and this time it was being even more finicky. It didn't even close properly and Vincent was sure he would have a nice build up of desert sands in his house before long.

"Well…" Vincent said slyly as he walked closer to his friend. Cloud wasn't liking the look on his face.

"I THOUGHT WE COULD PLAY DRESS UP!" Cloud closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose as he moved towards the door.

"Because I just went to the mall and I bought these really cute new sweatpants and a bunch of new scarves with really high fashion designs to them. They're really in right now unlike those Dolce and Gabana patterned ones which are so last season right now. I can't even believe they're selling those I mean, don't they have any pride at all!" Vincent continued to blab as he walked in front of Cloud preventing his exit.

"Come now Cloud, I have everything all set up!"

"Vinc-"

"Did I say you had a choice amigo!? Let's get to the choppa!"

"What…" Cloud said exasperatedly as he was pulled into Vincent's room. Nothing but a futon covered with Versace sheets and a giant pile of clothes were in that empty place.

"Now Cloud, if you try and escape, I will smear these rotten taco toppings all over you!" Vincent laughed maniacally as he held up a Tupperware box full of rotting vegetables.

Cloud just sighed, planning on making no moves to escape his crazy friend.

* * *

He spent his afternoon playing Vincent's Barbie doll. He had his hair done; pigtails, ponytails, spiked, gelled, coloured, you name it. Vincent had worked through the same clothing in several different colours until he had decided that slate blue really accentuated his eyes. Apparently. After making him try on outfit after outfit he had decided to leave cloud in a slate blue turtleneck matched with black leather gloves and dark blue jeans. His hair was spiked and he really didn't know what kind of makeup was plastered all over his face.

"NOW POSE FOR ME! YES WORK IT WORK IT!" Vincent suddenly screamed, breaking the silence and making Cloud jump out of his skin. He had pulled a camera out of nowhere and even though Cloud was just standing there, stunned from shock, Vincent was still moving around rapidly and snapping shots as fast as he could.

"V-vincent! Please!" Cloud groaned as he brought his fashionable arm to shield his eyes from the flash.

"Come on stud-muffin! Work that body!"

"You're insane!" Cloud groaned again as he began to suddenly sprint and flee from the room.

Vincent quickly dropped the camera and let out a long and wild scream as he reached for his Tupperware and grabbed a handful of rotted veggies.

"Cloud! Hey you bastardo! I said you couldn't leave! You have to come back and work that gorgeous figure of yours!" Vincent called after him as they raced through the desert. Cloud quickly hopped onto his bike and sped away.

Vincent whipped the food until Cloud was far away in the distance. And until he was sure if he threw anymore he may start to sweat and ruin his new cardigan.

He chuckled to himself in exhaustion.

"Oh you silly silly boy Cloud. You tickle my funny bone."

END

* * *

I was inspired by talking about having your spare house key be your finger with my boyfriend tonight and voila!


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